- Failure to say "God Bless America" in closing remarks results in automatic forfeit.
- If no clear winner identifiable after debate, candidates may use rock, paper, scissors (best two out of three) to decide outcome.
- Candidates allowed to put each other into "jinx" if both say same thing simultaneously.
- Excessive note-taking for sole purpose of inhaling Sharpie fumes is not allowed.
- Orange light will flash after each misuse or mispronunciation of words greater than four syllables, names of foreign leaders, or popular culture catch-phrases/memes.
- Candidates must remain fully clothed for the duration of the debate. They may not, for rhetorical or other purposes, tear off shirts, Hulk-style, or lower pants to show off religiously-affiliated undergarments or lucky Chicago Bears boxer briefs.
- If candidates exceed time limit for response to question, red light flashes; if candidates stutter, pause or otherwise temporarily halt their response for more than five seconds, moderator allowed to squirt candidate with Super Soaker.
- Moderator barred from glaring, cursing, shaking head in disbelief, throwing glass of water, or otherwise reacting in any way to gross misstatements.
- Candidates may use voice-filtering devices to warp voices with robot, chipmunk, Darth Vader or professional wrestling announcer effects, but may not switch voice effects during debate.
- Cheerleaders will perform at halftime.
- Candidates may not question each other directly, but may taunt using terms “Booya!,” “Yeah, sucka!” and “Y’all trippin’.”
- Each candidate must do at least one impersonation, lasting at least thirty seconds, of either Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Angela Merkel, or, for domestic-policy debates, John Boehner or Nancy Pelosi.
- Candidates may not poke, prod or hit other candidate directly, but may do so using giant foam "We're #1!" hand.
- Comeback zingers may not include fart jokes or "that's what she said."
- Laugh track will be played after all jokes or attempted jokes; sound clip "Ooooh!" wil be played after all direct attacks on opponent's record.
- Discussion of Chumbawamba's recent break-up is off-limits, including but not limited to saying that "America got knocked down, but we'll get up again, you're never gonna keep us down." Discussion of LMFAO's rumored split is fair game.
- Paul Ryan allowed to substitute for Romney at halftime or any other stoppage of play.
- Use of sports metaphors limited to those sports in which candidate actually participates.
- Candidates not required to attend debate if assurance cannot be made that there will be cookies and punch afterward.
- Productive, reasonable discussion on genuinely important matters, with no gratuitous pandering, impossible-to-keep promises, or shameless distortions of reality, is forbidden.
02 October 2012
Major Scoop: Presidential Debate Rules
This just in: The Obama and Romney campaigns recently met to draft a few rules for the candidates' upcoming debates. These were supposed to be top-secret, but I've got the scoop for you thanks to a friend on the inside, who I'll give the code name Bo Jiden.